Saturday, July 25, 2009 last

I have been wanting to share this for some time but just could not get into written word..In my mind the words flow beautifully, but to put them on paper(on in this case "on screen") seems like an enormous task but here goes................. For the last six years I have been struggling with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. At times, the fatigue has been so overwhelming where I would sleep for 2 to 3 days just so I can function again. Since that diagnosis, my body has begun to fall about. I will not go into all that I deal with on a daily basis. During these past six years, depression and despair have been my companions. Loneliness was always at hand. Many nights I lay awake asking God to rid me of this disease, to heal me and make me whole. I slowly began to lose my life. I had to resign my position at the church. That hurt so deeply, but I just could not keep up with it. Then I began to miss church altogether. I needed rest on the weekends just to make it to work during the week. Even with the rest on weekends, I missed a lot of work. Only by God's favor and grace I still have a job. As my life began to spiral downwards, so did my faith. Was God punishing me for something? Had I committed some unforgivable sin? Why did He not heal me? Did I not have enough faith or belief? Did I minister in pride? Did I teach wrong to the students? All these questions filled my heart. I fought hard to keep from drowning. My spirit had been defeated. Peace had escaped me. Yet, I kept praying and crying out to God. There was no one but me and God. THEN.............. I heard a (believe it or not) a southern gospel song that brought tears to my eyes. The Holy Spirit reminded me about Lazarus. As I reread that familiar story, God spoke to me. First, He loves me. Even though I am sick, He loves me. Secondly, Jesus delayed going to His friend. It was nothing Lazarus did or did not do. It was God's choice NOT to heal. Why? To show Lazarus and his family a greater thing. I have no bearing on when or if God heals me. It is HIS choice. It is not by my sin or lack of faith, but GOD wants to show me a greater thing.. PRAISE GOD!!!! However, God also spoke to me that I must see death. Now I don't sense it is an actual death like Lazarus, but more death to world, self, pride, maybe even material stuff. I'm not sure. But I do know He is in control and He has given me a peace beyond understanding. There are some steps that I need to take to draw myself closer to God, but I find it so hard to do. I sympathize with Paul when he said he did the things he ought not do and did not do the things he ought.. Our flesh is so strong, but our spirit must be stronger. Peace, Peace, Wonderful Peace.... I now have Peace with God, Peace in God and Peace from God..Nothing beats having HIS Peace. OH, what joy May God bless you and keep you in HIS perfect peace until meet again Keena


chicklette said...

Hi hun: Thanks for the info re: Blog- I didn't realize you did this.
I wish you the best with this new Dr. & if you are up to it I would like to know how things go. I haven't yet had a Dr. suggest shots in the feet, but hey if it helps, like you, I would be willing to try.
The peace you have rediscovered, if I may say it that way, is a blessing.
Your honesty is refreshing, as is your sincere kindness.
Take care my friend. Once again, Thanks for sharing.

Kristi said...

Keena, So glad to hear your words and that peace is inhabiting your day - it's very difficult to go without it. I pray that you will continue to be strengthened in your faith through this trying physical ailment. You're so right - God loves us so much and wants a relationship with us more than we can imagine. Keep remembering that.